Sarah thought she’d finally found the perfect moment to share her excitement about landing her dream job. She’d been waiting tables for three years while finishing her degree, and this marketing position felt like everything clicking into place. But as she started explaining the interview process to her friend Maria over coffee, something shifted.
“That’s so great!” Maria said, eyes already lighting up with her own story. “You know, I just got promoted too. Actually, my boss said I’m probably the youngest person they’ve ever fast-tracked like this. The whole department was shocked when they announced it.”
Twenty minutes later, Sarah found herself congratulating Maria on achievements she’d heard about twice before, while her own news felt like yesterday’s leftover pizza—still there, but nobody really wanted it anymore.
When Conversations Become One-Person Shows
These selfcentered conversation habits aren’t usually born from malice. Most people genuinely think they’re being supportive or finding common ground. But somewhere between “that reminds me” and “you think that’s bad,” the original speaker disappears from their own story.
Dr. Christine Carter, a sociologist studying interpersonal communication, explains it simply: “We’ve confused relating with competing. Instead of sitting with someone’s experience, we immediately jump to our own parallel story, thinking we’re showing understanding.”
The result? Conversations that feel more like competing monologues than genuine exchanges. You start sharing something meaningful, and somehow end up as the supporting character in someone else’s drama.
The Nine Phrases That Steal Your Spotlight
Recognizing selfcentered conversation habits starts with listening to the specific words people use. These phrases might sound supportive on the surface, but they consistently redirect attention away from your experience.
| Phrase Type | What They Say | What It Really Does |
|---|---|---|
| The Comparison Trap | “You think that’s bad? Let me tell you…” | Minimizes your experience to elevate theirs |
| The Quick Pivot | “That reminds me of when I…” | Uses your story as a launching pad for theirs |
| The One-Upper | “Oh, I’ve been there, but mine was worse” | Turns your moment into a competition |
| The Advice Hijack | “Here’s what you need to do…” | Positions them as the expert of your life |
- “That happened to me too, but…” – The seemingly empathetic start that quickly becomes about them
- “I know exactly how you feel” – Followed immediately by their own detailed story
- “Speaking of [your topic]…” – The transition that isn’t really a transition at all
- “Wait until you hear this” – Your cue that you’re about to become the audience
- “I totally get it because…” – Understanding that somehow requires 10 minutes about their experience
Communication expert Dr. Mark Williams notes: “The most telling sign isn’t what people say initially—it’s how long they can stay focused on your experience before steering back to their own.”
Why These Habits Stick Around
These selfcentered conversation habits persist because they often feel natural to the person doing them. They’re trying to connect, to show they understand, to be helpful. The problem is they’re connecting to their own experience rather than yours.
Think about the last time someone shared big news with you. Did you immediately think of your own similar experience? That’s normal. The difference lies in what you do with that impulse.
Some people pause, ask questions, and let you fully explore your feelings before sharing their own story. Others use your opening sentence as a springboard to dive into their own narrative pool.
Psychologist Dr. Rachel Green observes: “We’ve created a culture where listening has become the time you spend waiting for your turn to talk. Real listening—the kind that makes people feel heard—has become surprisingly rare.”
The Ripple Effect on Relationships
When these patterns repeat consistently, they quietly erode trust and intimacy. You start editing yourself before you speak, unconsciously calculating whether your news is “big enough” to hold someone’s attention.
You might catch yourself thinking: “Should I even bother telling them about the promotion? They’ll just turn it into a story about their career anyway.” Or worse: “Maybe my problems aren’t actually that serious if everyone immediately tops them with their own.”
The people exhibiting these selfcentered conversation habits often have no idea they’re doing it. They walk away feeling like they had a great, connected conversation. Meanwhile, you’re left feeling oddly hollow, like you were present but not really seen.
This dynamic is particularly damaging in close relationships—marriages, friendships, family bonds—where emotional support should flow both ways. When one person consistently redirects conversations to themselves, the other slowly stops bringing up their own experiences.
Dr. Williams adds: “The most successful relationships I’ve studied have one thing in common: both people can tell you what’s currently happening in the other person’s life, not just what reminds them of their own experiences.”
Breaking Free from the Spotlight Trap
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward having more balanced conversations. Whether you’re catching yourself doing it or noticing it in others, awareness changes everything.
If you recognize these selfcentered conversation habits in yourself, try the “three question rule”: Ask three genuine questions about the other person’s experience before sharing your own related story. You’ll be amazed how much richer conversations become when you give people space to fully explore their own thoughts and feelings.
If you’re dealing with someone who consistently hijacks conversations, you can gently redirect: “I’d love to hear your story in a minute, but I’m still processing this thing that happened to me. Can you help me think through it?”
The goal isn’t to eliminate sharing your own experiences—it’s to create space for both people to feel heard and valued in the conversation.
FAQs
How can I tell if I have selfcentered conversation habits?
Pay attention to how much of the conversation focuses on your experiences versus the other person’s. If you find yourself frequently saying “that reminds me of” or “the same thing happened to me,” you might be redirecting more than you realize.
What should I do when someone constantly makes conversations about themselves?
Try gently redirecting with phrases like “before we move on, I’m still thinking about what I shared” or “I’d love to hear your story after we finish talking about this.” Set boundaries while remaining kind.
Is it ever okay to share my own similar experience?
Absolutely, but timing matters. Let the other person fully express themselves first, ask follow-up questions, and acknowledge their feelings before sharing your own related experience.
Why do some people always turn conversations back to themselves?
Often it’s unconscious—they think they’re showing empathy or connection. Some people also feel uncomfortable with emotional intensity and deflect by sharing their own stories.
How do I support someone without making it about me?
Focus on asking open-ended questions, reflecting back what you hear, and validating their feelings. Phrases like “that sounds really challenging” or “how are you handling that?” keep the focus on their experience.
Can these conversation habits damage relationships?
Yes, over time they can create distance and resentment. When people consistently feel unheard, they often stop sharing important things, which weakens the emotional connection in relationships.
